U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
