Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
