So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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