So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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