My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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