Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
