It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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