I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
