she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I cut my penus on the lid.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
