Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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