There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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