Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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