so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize