It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Pooping to opera.
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