he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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