I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
