boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
