the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
