When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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