she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
