you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
