what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Randomize
