If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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