Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
