So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
