Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
