The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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