what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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