my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
