Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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