after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
