I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
