I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
