Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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