Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
