Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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