I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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