More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just blew my weed a kiss
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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