Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize