hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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