What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
