eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
