I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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