You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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