My liver just broke up with me...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize