dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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