so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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