A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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