Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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