Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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