I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
