she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You pole danced in your parka.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
