Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
