I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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