In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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