yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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