I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
