I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
