life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
tell me about the eggs
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